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Old News: See Birds: Script
Notes begun Tuesday, July 10, 2007.
Back to Our Play: Birds
Characters: Hugh, Peter, Epops on stage. Flamingo (Koryphaios) enters, followed by a gullible, shifting Chorus of Birds.
Hugh and Peter bump into Epops's place, approaching from stage left, guided by the spirits (think Inigo Montoya with his father's sword in The Princess Bride). 'Spirit Guide' Birds are squaking continuously, showing that this is the right destination. After a brief discussion, the Flamingo (Koryphaios) overhears the notion of human/bird integration and is outraged. Enters stage right in pink polo shirt...
Flamingo: Polo! Polo! (Indignant)Mortal men? Living among the birds?
Hugh: Hey, relax man, we're all about peace--
F: Impossible! Polo! There is absolutely no way mortals can live here with us!
E: On your way to the baths, Flamingo? Well, don't bother your pretty pink head, the humans are talking.
F: Don't you patronize me, you half-breed!
E: Never! If you must stay, then do. But do not sound the alarm!
F: I overheard your plan to integrate the humans among the bird population.
E: It's completely possible--remember, I was once a man--
F: Well.... we made an exception in your case. To have all these people coming and taking good bird jobs... it's, well... it's just un-birdlike!
H: C'mon, man, we're all about love.
F: Don't touch me! Dirty dirty human! Polo! Polo! Don't touch me--sound the alarm! (Birds approach) Swarm! Swarm!
E: Come come, be reasonable. These men pose no threat.
F: Threat!! Men are our sworn enemies! They hunt us, pollute our air, leave bird-killing traps all over! Think about Henry who got stuck in a six-pack plastic! I'm so sorry Henry! Attack!
E: But think of all we can learn from our enemies.
F: What can you possibly learn from an enemy?
E: Well, the Americans learned about sushi from Japan, and the Europeans learned about gunpowder from China?
F: Things birds could never care for!
F/Chorus: Go for the eyes! Go for the soft parts!
H: What are we going to do? Think of something...
P: Um.... Umm... we can give you money? (Chorus grumbles in dissent - 'no money, we don't want money, arggh') We can give you bird seed?
F/C: GO FOR THE EYES!
P: We can make you kings!
FL Ouack, kings? Polo.
H: Yeah, kings.
F: Kings, ouack? You've got 30 seconds...
P: Kings... oh, yeah, um kings.... yeah, I've got a foolproof strategy to make you kings of the world! But first you have to promise there will be no more pecking, biting, or prodding in the -
H: The soft parts!
P: My eyes.
F: Ok, I promise. But what's the plan?
Ch: Plans? Ouack, plans? (Polo, caw, etc.)
P: Right, right, we can make you kings.
H: In the past, you were like royalty...
P: It was like... the Egyptians and stuff... and Zeus!
F: Kings of the past?
P + H: You used to be kings and now you're worse than slaves! People spit at you, step all around you. But there are still so many remnants of your past glory. What about all the sports teams that love you? The Baltimore Orioles? (Chorus clucks in great approval) The Cardinals! (Chorus, even louder) The Falcons! What about the Great Seal of the United States? (Chorus grumbles) Wouldn't you like to get that power back? So... our plan (Chorus: yes, what's your plan) is to build... big, giant.... in the sky.... big giant, um, screens in the sky. If you can control the sunlight, you can control the world! You'll have all humankind in the palm of your... wings!
F: And then they would respect us again?
H: Yeah, totally.
E: Quite true, actually. The humans worship sunlight even more than they worship celebrities.
P: Yeah man. If you control the sunlight and the humans need the sun, then you can, like, make them pay for it.
H: Yeah, tax them on it.
F: Tax, them? But what do we need with money?
P: It's not about the money, man. It's about the power!
F: Hmm, big screens.
H: Big screens.
P: Big screens.
E: Big screens, big screens.
Ch: What you gonna do with all those screens, all those screens up in the sky?
P: I'm 'a block block block block the light
H: Block the light out of the sky.
.... (song continues, during song, Peter and Hugh are ceremoniously given wings)
-- End of scene 2 --
(Peter and Hugh come on stage dressed in ridiculous bird costumes. Both start laughing)
H: Man, you look like my crazy cousin Dave on his way back from Woodstock.
P:Well, thank you very much. (sarcastic) And you look like *joke*
E: Friends, you make lovely birds. And what's more, you are a total success. But one, small detail. Does this plan of yours have a name?
P: A name.
H: Right. Details. How about New Frisco?
P: No man, only idiots say "Frisco". And anyways, weren't we trying to get away from all that?
E: Mmm, mmm. What about Epopsalopalis?
P: Uhhh. Alright, why don't we call it... Cloud--
E: Cuckoo!
H: Land?
P: Yes! Cloudcuckooland. I declare this bird haven, officially Cloudcuckooland!!
E: Good work, lads! Cloudcuckooland's a city with a future! (Throughout this naming scene, bird chorus in background, peeping around corner. Upon declaration, make little chirping noises and run off.)
(First visitor enters. The televangelist.)
T: Praise the Lord!! I bless this here Cloudcuckooland and all of its children in the name of the Lord.
P: Whoa, what are you talking about? We just named this place five seconds ago. How can you bless us already? How do even know about us.
T: God sees all, son. But anyways, everyone's talking about the new bird kingdom! It's never too early to start converting.
H: We don't need religion here, man. Love and peace is enough.
T: That's right, son. You don't need any "generic" religion. What you need is some good old Christianity. And that means, bibles? 3 for 10, 10 for 50? Have faith in Jesus and Jesus will provide tranquility and goodness to all birds and bird-children. I too will provide. I have Bibles here which you can buy in packages of ten for the small sum of $55.95. Already got Bibles? Well, you can always use some holy water, which I happen to have for just $15.85 a bottle. run ways for private jets, healing power of jesus--behold, he can walk. You birds with your wings are closest to the angels. Accept God into your fluttering hearts!
P: (To H.) You want to show him the door.)
T: Rosaries! Five for $15! (Exits.)
(Marketing executive enters. Slick.)
M: Hey there, great to meet ya, great to meet ya—Folks, I’m here to make you all filthy, filthy rich! Cloudcuckooland is a land of opportunity. You’ve got these big screens—well, don’t forget, screens have two sides! One blocks out the sun. But I look at these big screens, and what do I see? – Ad space! Big, blank, beautiful white ad space! Now, I’ve been talking to some of the guys in marketing and they have come up with some great ideas. These have all had great product runs and you’re gonna love ‘em. From Apple, we've got the iBird—popular among the chick population! And if you want to coordinate your family, how bout the new iFlown? (crowd reaction) A great new running shoe? Consider Nike Air. Swoosh!
P: Interesting. I had never considered that possibility.
H: We don’t need all these products, man, that’s what we’re trying to get away from.
P: It’s impressive that you’ve come up with all these great products in the five minutes that Cloudcuckooland’s been in existence, but Hugh is right. What would birds do with shoes or electronics. That'll be all.
Ad guy: Wait, wait! What about Cuckoo-cola! Keep your bird population caffeinated with Cawbucks! (Exits.)
(Oil exec. enters.)
Oil guy: Gentlemen, I just want to thank you on behalf of ExxonMobil, Texaco, and Citgo! Please accept this golden wing as a token of our appreciation.
P: Uhhh, thanks…
H: For what exactly?
Oil: Because of your big screens, solar energy has never been more scarce, and fossil fuels have never been so in demand! If you keep this screen business up, we’ll have our highest profits ever! What do you say we have a little deal, a contract of sorts? You keep the screens going, and we’ll give you a 10% cut on our profits. You’ll reap the benefits with us.
H: Whoa man, you've got it all wrong. We never wanted to help you! The pollution caused by fossil fuels ruins the environment and we want no part in that.
P: You have no right to be here. Get out of here with your contracts and deals, man! And take your silly wing.
O: You're making a career decision. Just wait til...(Pushed off stage)
(Nerdy guy enters.)
P: What? Another one?
N: Um, hello. My name is Clemence McKerny. I was wondering if Cloudcuckooland may be interested in getting wired up...(Pause.) Hem, well. I have the ability to install Cloudcuckooland with the latest Wi-Fly Internest connection! (Hugh and Peter look at each other and nod. Hugh starts pushing N. off stage.) It will be a breakthrough in modern technology! You will have access to many features to...
H: Man, what a joke! Imagine all those people coming here with their schemes, thinking they're going to make some kind of profit!
P: It's all business, you know.
H: What are you talking about, man? I thought it was all about peace and a change of pace.
P: Well, I mean, running a city and all, eventually we might want to invest in some of those ideas. (H. incredulous.) It's just something to think about.
H: I don't know, man. Let's just forget about it.
P: Don't trip, man. Let's go check on the construction. (They exit.)
(Peter enters. Looks over food, etc preparations.)
Bird: Mr. Tyrus, where should I put the fruit arrangements?
P: Place them over there (points).
(Hugh enters.)
H: What's all this, man?
P: (to Bird) And hurry it up. The president will be here any minute.
H: What's all this food for? I thought the president was coming to negotiate...
P: There will be no negotiating today. (H. looks skeptical. Flamingo enters.)
F: Hem, announcing the President of the United States!!
(President, Cheney and Condi enter.)
C: Mr. President, I would advise you to keep the goal in mind. These birds must negotiate with us.
G: (Ignoring C., shaking hands with various birds) Hello, yeah, nice to meet to you, nice to meet you. (To Peter) Why, Mr. Tyrus, it is such a pleasure to meet you. I just thank the good Lord above for this wonderful opportunity.
P: (not extending his hand) Mr. President, so glad you could come.
G: My pleasure. Mr. Elpides, so glad to meet you.
H: (from chair, looks up, nonplussed, gestures hello)
C: Mr. President, the negotiations... (Bush surveys food)
P: (To Bush) Can I interest you with some food?
G: Why, thank you --
C: The negotiations! Mr. Tyrus we're here to negotiate the peaceful removal of your screens from international air space.
P: Really? Unfortunately, that's not possible. But there's plenty of food to go around if you all would join me.
G: (Starts eating.) Well, thank you very much. But, it is true that sunlight is an important asset, if you will, that we Americans simply cannot live without.
P: I think you're looking at this the wrong way. You have many things to gain from us being up here with these screens.
C: I don't think we're willing to --
P: I have the ability, Mr. President, to offer you your own Sky Ranch, available whenever you so desire.
H: Sky ranch?! (mumbles) You've got to be kidding
P: (G. mumbles, not sure) But what's a vacation without food?! To go along with the ranch we will provide you with full, daily buffets comprised of the finest ingredients only a bird could find.
C: Mr. President, please! We have serious --
G: Quiet! I am the decider, and I will make the decisions! What these birds are offering is mighty appetizing, not to mention all this food! And you know what? I vote yes!!
P: Mr. Cheney, do have something to say on the matter?
V: (mumbles...)
G: He votes yes, too! (C. starts to protest) And no recount this time!
(Birds come on with feathers, etc, ceremoniously put them on G. and V.)