Opening video montage (equipment needed: business suit for anchorwoman, light kit for filming, hippie outfits (Hugh and Peter need jeans and tie-dyed shirts, bandanas (one blue, one red), fake grey beard, sandals), fake beaks, fake wings, a few microphones (one that works for filming, but also some as props), image of Tony Blair, B.I.R.D. graphic, graphic on nuclear strike. Bird costumes: Hoopoe (black pants, black shirt, half mask with large feathers, glitter and streamers), Flamingo (black pants, black shirt, pink feathers, glitter).

Black

On a large video screen centrally located upstage there is an abrupt flash of light and static/electrical sounds, and a fuzzy picture (along with the appropriate sound) appears, and quickly comes into focus. It is a newscast, a national newscast, and we’re catching an important story in progress. (This should be filmed on the fourth floor of Wallenburg. The anchorwoman is dressed in a business suit. She has papers on a desk in front of her. There are three or four other people working in the area behind her; typing, walking with papers, writing, etc. We need a light kit for this.

Anchorwoman: Scores of world leaders today renewed their urgent calls for restraint, pleading with all sides involved to step back from the brink and to resume high-level negotiations. Meanwhile, tensions only seemed to mount as Cloudcukooland president and dictator Peter Tyrus (picture of Peter Tyrus here?) issued an executive order Wednesday that will further extend construction on the network of giant screens the Avian Nation has successfully used to interfere with the transmission of solar radiation to Earth. (graphic here—globe surrounded by screens and birds) According to recent estimates by NASA and the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, in just under six months the Birds have been able to construct a network of screens capable of absorbing or reflecting back more than 85% of the sunlight that usually reaches the planet’s surface (perhaps the figure 85% appears on the graphic). This is Cloudcuckooland spokesman and chief negotiator Umberto Elpides:

(go to video segment, low quality, he’s dressed in standard hippie gear, but he has an obviously fake beak and wings, many microphones in his face, perhaps a backdrop of some sort, the sounds of camera clicks in the background) Elpides: Look, man, this isn’t a security crisis or whatever, at all. What this is is like a strictly economic situation. And economics is just about managing resources, alright, and the sun is, like, mother Earth’s most important resource. You know, if it makes sense that humans control the oil under the ground where they live, then why doesn’t it make sense that, like, the Birds should control the light in the sky? I mean, it’s the sky, man. It’s like—they live up here. We humans have been in the driver’s seat for so long now we think we’re always number one. Well you better get used to something: it’s the Birds’ turn, man.

Tony Blair, envoy to Cloudcuckooland from the coalition of the eight nuclear nations—the so-called Nuclear octet—issued harsh criticism of the proposed construction, and said that when it came to dealing with the giant screens all options were on the table.

(go to still image of Blair’s head with a title and a voiceover, not totally terrible British accent) Blair: This move to extend the coverage of the screens cannot stand. And yes, of course, when I say ‘all options are on the table’ I mean we will not hesitate to nuke the Birds and their illegal giant screens back into the age of their dinosaur ancestors. If President Tyrus and the Ministers of Cloudcuckooland believe that, when it comes to the question of our sunlight, we will not stand up for our basic human rights, then they are sadly mistaken. We are not, I repeat not, a bunch of chickens. It is they, I say, they who are the chickens.

Since the initial phase of construction on the screens began six months ago, the Avian Nation of Cloudcuckooland has generated a whooping $5.2 trillion in revenue from its sunlight transmission tax. The tax has been widely condemned and is regarded as illegal by the vast majority of terrestrial industrialized nations.

In December President Bush announced the formation of an executive task force to look into solutions to what has been dubbed the Bird-Initiated Ray Deviation crisis—or the B.I.R.D. crisis, for short. (get a graphic for this) The administration’s initial strategy for coping with the burden of the tax by shifting responsibility for its payment from the federal level to the state level has drawn sharp criticism from social justice groups, who fear another Katrina-style catastrophe, whereby poorer, minority regions that cannot afford to pay are effectively blotted out of existence. President Bush responded to continued criticism:

(cut to video of Bush at press conference, or just still image of Bush with a title) Bush: This is a new kind of world we’re living in, with a new kind of enemy, and we need to at least consider all our options. Look, let’s not forget who’s to blame here. It’s not the federal government. It’s a big, evil flock of birds that don’t like the way we live down here.

Today the Associated Press is reporting that just last week the President was briefed by task force chairman Fred Ema on the viability of a unilateral tactical nuclear strike, which would see the United States acting independently of the Nuclear octet and sending a pair of 50 megaton devices into the lower atmosphere in an effort to destroy the half-dozen or so giant screens responsible for intercepting the majority of sunlight bound for the US.

When asked last week about the possibility of a nuclear attack, Cloudcuckooland President Peter Tyrus rather undiplomatically commented that the rhetoric was quote “the sign of a total birdbrain.” He went on to say: “We don’t want to kill anybody, man, so just chill out. We just want the Birds to get what’s rightfully theirs. It’s not like the US can’t afford it, so just pay up.”

Now for a look at sports here’s Chet Chesterton. Barry hit one out today, Chet…?

(some paper shuffling, wider angle shot on Anchor and Chet. Then static screen and noise and blackout.)

The scene opens with Peter and Hugh in their home near SF. One or both of them is reading the paper and becomes overwhelmed with disgust. The idea arises: it's time for them to leave the US behind. But where will they go? To Canada! Then the following dialogue:

Hugh: Man, I'm so tired of all this war stuff, all the technology, the pollution. I mean, where did all the hope go, man? I thought we were getting somewhere in the sixties. indignant, overwhelmed

Peter: You know what, man, it's all about consciousness. Like that guy's got his consciousness, and someone else has got theirs, but there's no communication, no vibes. validated, fed-up

Hugh: Yeah man, I could do without a lot of this modern world crap. fed-up, superior

Peter: Alright, man, that settles it. We’re goin’ to Canada! inspired, excited, determined

Hugh: Alright! Road trip, yeah! I’ll gas up the old microbus. eager, focused

Peter: The microbus?! Didn't you watch the LIVE EARTH festival for like sixteen hours? What was that to you, man, just a big overexposed rock concert? What about the message, man? What about Madonna’s ‘avalanche of awareness’? What about La Isla Bonita, man? That microbus is a gas guzzler, we can’t drive that. Dude, let’s just drive the Prius. irresponsible, aware

Hugh: Oh, man (groans); but we look like such squares in the Prius! square, embarrassed

Peter: Yeah, sad but true, man. (pause) Hey, I got it! Why don’t we just walk to Canada, man? practical, hopeful

Hugh: Walk to Canada? I can’t walk to Canada, man, I’m almost seventy years old—the warranty on this old jalopy ran out a long time ago. old, tired Besides, you can’t just walk across the border, man. What about the fences, the watch towers, the Minuteman Mounted Militias? inferior, careless

Peter: No way, man; there’s nothing like that up there. It’s just three thousand miles of totally unprotected border, man. It’s like a secret exit, man! Nobody knows about it! powerful, free, in on a secret

Hugh: Nobody? doubtful or intrigued

Peter: At least not Homeland Security. Let’s make sure we get across before they figure it out. sneaky, urgent (they grab some stuff and hustle off stage)

Hugh: (out of breath) Man, I’m pretty tired.

Peter: No man, that was nothing. We gotta keep going.

Hugh: I’m done. I’m sitting.

Peter: Fine, man. Alright. Your body’s speaking, yeah. I’ll respect that.

(Start taking shoes off.)

Peter: You want some chow, man?

(Hugh snores. Peter laughs and goes to sleep.)

Epops: O, travelers, seekers of peace,

The sun will rise,

The prophets will come.

Spirit guides beckon you,

Follow their will.

At travels’ end,

Destination met,

You will find the Epops who was once man,

There your dreams will be realized.

(Peter and Hugh look at each other meaningfully.)

Hugh: Man, I just had…

Peter: No man, you don’t even…

Hugh: That bird… Did you?

Peter: Did he say, spirit guides?

(Peter and Hugh look around. Birds chucked down to them from window.)

Hugh: Should we?

Peter: Yeah man, I guess let’s pick them up.

Hugh: Hey little bird friend.

Peter: So how does this work? (Hugh thinks, shrugs.) I guess, man, let’s just close our eyes and move where we feel drawn.

(Close eyes, start walking, bump into each other.)

Hugh: Which way, man?

Peter: Let’s just start going and see what happens.

(Peter and Hugh start walking in one direction. Birds caw. They look at each other, turn and walk in the opposite direction…. Walking, walking walking.)

Hugh: Yeah man, I’m really feeling this. I think we’re getting some…Ow! Aw man, I knew these birds were useless.

(Birds start cawing. Epops appears.)

Epops: Why, hello. You found the place.

Peter: You were expecting us?

Epops: No. Maybe. I am the great Epops! Welcome to…my home. Who are you? But then again, I welcome all friendly travelers. How may I help you?

Peter: We’re looking for a place a peace. (Epops expresses interest. “Mmm”) A place where men, such as ourselves, can live free and easy.

Hugh: Yeah, no money, no government, no bother. (Epops makes noises of interest. “Mmm”)

Peter: I could really groove in place where the only trouble is having too many friends to spend time with.

Hugh: A place where all the groovy chicks dig me, and I dig them.

Peter: Oh wise, powerful Epops bird-man, tell us, with your bird’s eye view, where such a place exists.

Epops: Hmm. You know, it sounds… It’s crazy, but the birds actually… Well, nevermind. Let’s see. A place of peace, where the chicks dig you, anti-government. Have you considered Berkeley? No, just kidding. A place with no money, no burdens, a place with an endless supply of…

Hugh: Yeah…

Epops: Food and love.

Hugh: That too.

Epops: Ah! I know of just the place! In fact, I live in just the place.

Peter: Canada?

Epops: No, no. Here! Amongst us birds. Way up in the sky. (Peter and Hugh look up.)

Peter: Let me get this straight. You’re saying that we, two mortal men, should live here with you birds?

(Flamingo rounds corner, overhears and freaks out.)

Flamingo: Polo! Polo! (Indignant)Mortal men? Living among the birds?

Hugh: Hey, relax man, we're all about peace--

F: Impossible! Polo! There is absolutely no way mortals can live here with us!

E: On your way to the baths, Flamingo? Well, don't bother your pretty pink head, the humans are talking.

F: Don't you patronize me, you half-breed!

E: Never! If you must stay, then do. But do not sound the alarm!

F: I overheard your plan to integrate the humans among the bird population.

E: It's completely possible--remember, I was once a man--

F: Well.... we made an exception in your case. To have all these people coming and taking good bird jobs... it's, well... it's just un-birdlike!

H: C'mon, man, we're all about love.

F: Don't touch me! Dirty dirty human! Polo! Polo! Don't touch me--sound the alarm! (Birds approach) Swarm! Swarm!

E: Come come, be reasonable. These men pose no threat.

F: Threat!! Men are our sworn enemies! They hunt us, pollute our air, leave bird-killing traps all over! Think about Henry who got stuck in a six-pack plastic! I'm so sorry Henry! Attack!

E: But think of all we can learn from our enemies.

F: What can you possibly learn from an enemy?

E: Well, the Americans learned about sushi from Japan, and the Europeans learned about gunpowder from China?

F: Things birds could never care for!

F/Chorus: Go for the eyes! Go for the soft parts!

H: What are we going to do? Think of something...

P: Um.... Umm... we can give you money? (Chorus grumbles in dissent - 'no money, we don't want money, arggh') We can give you bird seed?

F/C: GO FOR THE EYES!

P: We can make you kings!

FL Ouack, kings? Polo.

H: Yeah, kings.

F: Kings, ouack? You've got 30 seconds...

P: Kings... oh, yeah, um kings.... yeah, I've got a foolproof strategy to make you kings of the world! But first you have to promise there will be no more pecking, biting, or prodding in the -

H: The soft parts!

P: My eyes.

F: Ok, I promise. But what's the plan?

Ch: Plans? Ouack, plans? (Polo, caw, etc.)

P: Right, right, we can make you kings.

H: In the past, you were like royalty...

P: It was like... the Egyptians and stuff... and Zeus!

F: Kings of the past?

P + H: You used to be kings and now you're worse than slaves! People spit at you, step all around you. But there are still so many remnants of your past glory. What about all the sports teams that love you? The Baltimore Orioles? (Chorus clucks in great approval) The Cardinals! (Chorus, even louder) The Falcons! What about the Great Seal of the United States? (Chorus grumbles) Wouldn't you like to get that power back? So... our plan (Chorus: yes, what's your plan) is to build... big, giant.... in the sky.... big giant, um, screens in the sky. If you can control the sunlight, you can control the world! You'll have all humankind in the palm of your... wings!

F: And then they would respect us again?

H: Yeah, totally.

E: Quite true, actually. The humans worship sunlight even more than they worship celebrities.

P: Yeah man. If you control the sunlight and the humans need the sun, then you can, like, make them pay for it.

H: Yeah, tax them on it.

F: Tax, them? But what do we need with money?

P: It's not about the money, man. It's about the power!

F: Hmm, big screens.

H: Big screens.

P: Big screens.

E: Big screens, big screens.

Ch: What you gonna do with all those screens, all those screens up in the sky?

P: I'm 'a block block block block the light

H: Block the light out of the sky.

.... (song continues, during song, Peter and Hugh are ceremoniously given wings)

-- End of scene 2 --

Video interlude. And in international news, in a story that seems to get stranger by the day, the recently organized Avian Nation has completed its first phase of construction on its network of giant, sun-blocking screens. The bird contingent, which has been organized and directed by two humans, San Francisco natives Peter Tyrus and Hugh Elpides, capped off their first phase of construction with an initial test of the network's sun-blocking capabilities. Their first target: Australia (graphic--outline of Australia with G'nite, mate!). On Wednesday the birds used the screens to plunge the entire continent into darkness for a period of three hours. In a statement the Australian prime minister expressed shock and awe, but said that overall the test had little to no lasting impact. Perhaps the most notable effect--general confusion among the terrestrial animal population as to the regular cycles of night and day. Mobs of kangeroo just lain down and went to sleep in the middle of the day. (graphic). The Australian gov't has agreed to pay a tax, fearful of a complete blackout. Meanwhile construction continues on the network of screens, as international alarm grows, with many nations fearing that the birds are planning an even greater display of their power.

In financial news, Coppertone Australia has shown sharp quarterly drop in profits...

(Peter and Hugh come on stage dressed in ridiculous bird costumes. Both start laughing)

H: Man, you look like my crazy cousin Dave on his way back from Woodstock.

P:Well, thank you very much. (sarcastic) And you look like *joke*

E: Friends, you make lovely birds.

Peter and Hugh revealed to have wings and little beaks. Talk about how cool it is to have wings. Make fun of each other in bird outfits. Somehow the city naming is integrated. Then the visitors begin to arrive. Who are the visitors? 1) the advertisers--nike air, cookoocola, apple i-flown; 2) televangelist; 3) techie guy--wi-fly internest access; 4) oil company exec--try to convince the birds to be part of their monopoly.

Video interlude--new york pictures. birds isolationist policy. up to this point the us has refused to negotiate, but now with the completion of the latest phase they are sending a contingent to cloudcukooland. .

Visit of the American contingent, Bush = Herakles, Condi = Poseidon, Cheney = Triballian. Outro song.

--- Static images that we know we want: 1) I-flown, 2) Cookoocola, 3) Nike Air; 4) Wi-fly internest demo; 5) demo for how screens work; 6) 'hybrid' car

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