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Black
On a large video screen centrally located upstage there is an abrupt flash of light and static/electrical sounds, and a fuzzy picture (along with the appropriate sound) appears, and quickly comes into focus. It is a newscast, a national newscast, and we’re catching an important story in progress. (this is taking place in March sometime, this newscast)
Anchorwoman: …as scores of world leaders today renewed their urgent calls for restraint, pleading with all sides involved to step back from the brink and to resume high-level negotiations. Meanwhile, tensions only seemed to mount as Cloudcukooland president and dictator Peter Tyrus issued an executive order Wednesday that will further extend construction on the network of giant screens the Avian Nation has successfully used to interfere with the transmission of solar radiation to Earth. (graphic here—globe surrounded by screens and birds) According to recent estimates by NASA and the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, in just under six months the Birds have been able to construct a network of screens capable of absorbing or reflecting back more than 85% of the sunlight that usually reaches the planet’s surface. This is Cloudcuckooland spokesman and chief negotiator Umberto Elpides:
(go to video segment, low quality, he’s dressed in crazy feathers, many microphones in his face, perhaps a backdrop of some sort, the sounds of camera clicks in the background) Elpides: Look, man, this isn’t a security crisis or whatever, at all. What this is is like a strictly economic situation. And economics is just about managing resources, alright, and the sun is, like, mother Earth’s most important resource. You know, if it makes sense that humans control the oil under the ground where they live, then why doesn’t it make sense that, like, the Birds should control the light in the sky? I mean, it’s the sky, man. It’s like—they live up here. We humans have been in the driver’s seat for so long now we think we’re always number one. Well you better get used to something: it’s the Birds’ turn, man.
Tony Blair, envoy to Cloudcuckooland from the coalition of the eight nuclear nations—the so-called Nuclear octet—issued harsh criticism of the proposed construction, and said that when it came to dealing with the giant screens all options were on the table.
(go to still image of Blair’s head with a title and a voiceover, not totally terrible British accent) Blair: This move to extend the coverage of the screens cannot stand. And yes, of course, when I say ‘all options are on the table’ I mean we will not hesitate to nuke the Birds and their illegal giant screens back into the age of their dinosaur ancestors. If President Tyrus and the Ministers of Cloudcuckooland believe that, when it comes to the question of our sunlight, we will not stand up for our basic human rights, then they are sadly mistaken. We are not, I repeat not, a bunch of chickens. It is they, I say, they who are the chickens.
Since the initial phase of construction on the screens began six months ago, the Avian Nation of Cloudcuckooland has generated a whooping $5.2 trillion in revenue from its sunlight transmission tax. The tax has been widely condemned and is regarded as illegal by the vast majority of terrestrial industrialized nations.
In December President Bush announced the formation of an executive task force to look into solutions to what has been dubbed the Bird-Initiated Ray Deviation crisis—or the B.I.R.D. crisis, for short. (get a graphic for this) The administration’s initial strategy for coping with the burden of the tax by shifting responsibility for its payment from the federal level to the state level has drawn sharp criticism from social justice groups, who fear another Katrina-style catastrophe, whereby poorer, minority regions that cannot afford to pay are effectively blotted out of existence. President Bush responded to continued criticism:
(cut to video of Bush at press conference, or just still image of Bush with a title) Bush: This is a new kind of world we’re living in, with a new kind of enemy, and we need to at least consider all our options. Look, let’s not forget who’s to blame here. It’s not the federal government. It’s a big, evil flock of birds that don’t like the way we live down here.
Today the Associated Press is reporting that just last week the President was briefed by task force chairman Fred Ema on the viability of a unilateral tactical nuclear strike, which would see the United States acting independently of the Nuclear octet and sending a pair of 50 megaton devices into the lower atmosphere in an effort to destroy the half-dozen or so giant screens responsible for intercepting the majority of sunlight bound for the US.
When asked last week about the possibility of a nuclear attack, Cloudcuckooland President Peter Tyrus rather undiplomatically commented that the rhetoric was quote “the sign of a total birdbrain.” He went on to say: “We don’t want to kill anybody, man, so just chill out. We just want the Birds to get what’s rightfully theirs. It’s not like the US can’t afford it, so just pay up.”
Now for a look at sports here’s Chet Chesterton. Barry hit one out today, Chet…?
(some paper shuffling, wider angle shot on Anchor and Chet. Then static screen and noise and blackout.)
(the irony of global warming)
(the main characters, based on Pisthetairos and Euelpides, are aging hippies who have abandoned the Bay Area (for what reason?) and have gone looking for a less expensive place to live, where money’s not a concern, where people care more about spirituality, man. They thought they would go to Canada, and if the whole ‘spirituality’ thing didn’t work out at least they could be unemplyed and still get free healthcare. On their trek north on the PCT, they met an traveler who told them the legend of the Hoopoe, a mysterious and allusive shaman figure who had the soul of a man but the body of a giant bird. The Hoopoe was supposed to live in a large community of other birds on the edge of civilization. The two hippies travel north and buy two birds to help them track down the Hoopoe.
Visitors: the leader of Blackwater (perfect!), because the screens are going to need defense against conventional weapons, but he’s rejected because the birds can do their own defense; Alan Dershowitz (there needs to be a lawyer figure), Obama, Hillary, and Edwards—as a separate entity from Bush and Cheney, who need to be the last people to show up before the big nuclear explosion, (as one big unit-mask?), a Tele-vangelist—who wants to set up a ministry in Cloudcuckooland and bus in his congregation so that they can be closer to God, Coke/Nike/ McDonalds—somebody tries to put their brand on the giant screens, scientist, poet,
Scenes:
2. The visits of three or four interesting characters interested in money. The head of Blackwater, a tele-vangelist, Alan Dershowitz, the CEO of Coke, Steve Jobs, and the CEO of NIKE, the CEO of Exxon/Mobile and other major oil companies (who strikes a kind of Faustian deal with the Birds).
3. The visit of Bush, Cheney, and Condi (in a Stanford sweater!), followed by the nuking of cloudcuckooland and nuclear winter.